Have you ever had a full week to just do nothing. Where the only thing you had to do was rest, take care of yourself, and maybe find a book, a movie, some mundane tasks, and your computer to pass time while you healed. I hadn’t until now, and I feel like I’ve healed in more ways than one.
I’ve been having an amazing time at my internship in NYC. With great music, co-workers, and office space. I’d been going to shows almost weekly with some awesome old and new friends that I’d made. I was lazy when I wanted to be, worked hard when I was excited about a project (and there were (are) a ton of projects). Kept in touch and visited Boston friends. I could feel things changing. It was palpable and I’d be a fool to deny it.
Unfortunately as I returned to Boston for some routine check-ups I got some not so fun news. Nothing serious (luckily) but, as I viewed it, annoying, none the less.
"I don’t have time to deal with this right now. But I’m in the middle of this amazing project. What if I miss out on more projects. Can it wait? Where am I supposed to have this? There’s no way I can take off a week and a half of work."
Luckily my mom was able to convince me to fly out to LA to have the procedure. I originally thought I’d be able to have the surgery in Boston, rest for 3 days, then return to work/life as normal. My mom insisted I fly out to LA, take care of this, and rest for a week before returning to NY.
I even talked to my supervisor about when a “less busy upcoming week would be” so I didn’t miss out on anything. She said whenever was fine, and to take care of myself.
A few weeks of dread.
"I can’t believe I’m gonna be missing this much work. I’m gonna miss out on so much. Are you sure I can’t come back earlier? I can’t rock-climb for how long after??Why can’t I bring my guitar? How am I supposed to finish this EP?
*a)I haven’t even been fucking rock-climbing regularly why the fuck do I care now? b) If I was actually going to finish this EP in a week, I would’ve finished it in December”
When I or someone else brought it up or mentioned it, I’d shrug it off.
"It’s really minor. Not a big deal. at. all. I’ll be up and att’em before I know it. I can definitely work from home."
Fast Forward. Surgery Day comes and goes. delayed 3 hrs. had to stay over night because I needed a few more hours to wakeup and it was already too late to go home. Went home early the next day.
Spend the next couple days
relaxing. healing. weeping.
"Apparently it was a success. Sure doesn’t feel like it. If I stand up I’m about to lay right back down. Trust me. I know myself. Why am I crying? What’s going on here? Stop telling me I need to rest. No I’m not over-doing it. Are you sure he didn’t knock some hormones out of balance in the process? I feel like I gave birth out of my belly button. Why does this liquid keep pouring out of my EYES?! God, my mom’s a saint. wow I’m really fucking lucky. What is this piercing headache?! Why is this happening? God I’m a drama queen. People get this done all the time. relax."
(I know, I think I have ADD too.)
But now, 7 days later, it’s different. Somewhere between the PCH drives, the hikes (before the surgery) the doctor’s visit, the family visits, the acupuncturist, the reiki, The Hobbit… It’s all settled in and there are a few realizations/ experiences I’d like to
reflect on. shed light on. bring attention to? (Some word that means all of that)
I visited my cousin and we talked about it a bit. The surgery, how I was feeling. I told her I felt a little crazy. I’ve been crying a lot about stupid things, about nothing. "Jessica, I assure you your hormones are fine. I’ve known for a while now and I’ve seen how you deal with things. They were bound to come out at some point." She said it with a laugh too, as if she knew. and I guess she does, because I can’t agree more. ”Surgery will bring a lot of things that’ve been shoved deep inside, out. Think of these as cleansing tears. Just let it happen”
All I can say is YES yes yes yes yes. It sucks that something so shitty had to happen to bring out whatever it was I’ve tried to hide. But why hide? Honestly, FUCK IT. Bring on the tears. They feel magical.
*Update: The tears ceased shortly after. Almost like as soon as I wanted them, they were all done. Which is good, but I assure you that the next time I feel like weeping those magical tear drops will be welcomed with arms wide open. (cue Creed)
While my cousin and I were speaking I guess she got the vibe that I was kind of blowing my surgery off. True. I was frustrated that I couldn’t jump back into physical activity like before, frustrated with my appetite (or lack thereof), frustrated that I couldn’t go out, that I felt tired, and I blamed it all on this annoying surgery that was supposed to be nothing, but still hurt and definitely didn’t feel like nothing. ”Jessica, Allow yourself to heal. Yes, our bodies are resilient and yes, this was a minor surgery but it was a surgery nonetheless, and its kinda a big deal. You will go back to normal but you need to be patient and thankful that your body pulled through this with you. It could’ve been a lot worse, and now is your time to appreciate and take care it. “
Again, can I get an amen?! (If you didn’t already know this wise, wise cousin of mine is a reiki master, queen of all things having to do with energy, woman, and healing) I was pushing my body too hard. I always do (and thats ok!) but I also need time to rest. We all need time to rest or else your body is going to find away to tell you that it needs you to slow the fuck down (excuse my bits of french scattered through out this essay, that was originally only meant to be a paragraph).
Since then I’ve been eating well, viewing all things inspiring on the interwebz, reorganizing my pinterest board, taking inventory and organizing all my garageband recordings (will probably be posting some long forgotten recordings soon), reading The Hobbit (Gandalf will always be a #prophet), and playing/hanging with my 2 favorite people, my mom and Brownie.
Hope you get the chance to take a rest before you’re forced to. I promise I will.
Relevant Quotes to Live By:
If I live the life I’m given I won’t be scared to die.
-The Avett Brothers
How amazing it is to be anything at all.
-Neutral Milk Hotel